It Ends With Us
Spoilers ahead for the book It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
I wasn’t too familiar with this book until the movie was in production. I had already read (and loved) Verity by Colleen Hoover and was interested in reading more. I heard that Verity was significantly different from her other books so I was skeptical about reading more; but it was the buzz around this book/movie (the press tour) that made me give it a chance.
I knew that domestic violence would be a theme in the novel and upon initial reading, I was hopeful that that would all be left in the past as main character Lily describes the abuse her father inflicted on her mother. I hoped that this would be a story of a woman working to overcome the trauma of her upbringing and I was sad to watch as she walked her mother’s footsteps.
The first time Ryle pushes Lily and she hits her head, she’s confused, but deems it an accident. He says he snapped, he panicked, and pushed her, not even realizing what he was doing. A chorus of “I’m sorry” and “I love you” follow and Lily can’t help but compare her new boyfriend to her father. She decides it was an accident. She tells him that if he ever does it again, she’ll know it’s a pattern and she will leave. He just used his one and only get out of jail free card.
Naturally this was a red flag; when angry, Ryle’s primary reaction was to physically lash out and cause harm to the woman he professes to love. He is quickly apologetic and helps cleanse her wounds. As the reader, the term “love bombing” came to mind. I imagine the care he took with her afterward was jarring, trying to juxtapose the abuser who is gentle and soothing the wounds he inflicted.
Most people never think they will end up in a domestic violence situation. Women know the stats and are armed with safety knowledge and self-defense. While we never think it will happen to us, we all think we know what we would do if it did. After the first instance of physical harm, we believe we would immediately pack up and leave, ending the relationship on the spot. If that’s true, and it may be true for some, why does it take a domestic violence survivor an average of seven times before leaving for good?
Lily says her answer is love. She didn’t leave Ryle because she was still in love with him, still reconciling the knowledge of being harmed by someone she loved. For some women it could be children, financial dependence, worrying about what others would say or their identity as a ‘victim’. However, staying is not permission for the abuse to continue.
Each time I internally screamed at Lily, I understood a little more. She needed to do what she could as she was ready. We all think the second we’re hit, we’re leaving. But what we’re not accounting for is the process of processing what just happened. No one enters a relationship or marriage with an emergency escape plan. We usually don’t think this type of threat is feasible or we likely wouldn’t have remained in the relationship anyway. We forget that if this does happen, we have to process this drastic change to our worldview. It takes time to understand what happened, why it happened, what we believe our options are and what solution we will choose. For some, this process may be instantaneous, but for a lot of us it would put us into shock.
I’ve heard the discourse of the perception that this book glorifies domestic violence, but the amount of times that I proverbially screamed at Lily to “just leave” was humbling. As someone who has not experienced domestic violence, it’s easy to say one should leave if they are hit or physically harmed in any manner. To me it “doesn’t make sense” why one would stay with someone who is hurting them. Especially if you have the resources and support system to help you. I felt this book, while a fictional based-on-a-true-story account, offered some new perspective for me. Not all domestic violence situations will look like the example of this novel, but it humanized the experience. Women are blamed for everything in this world. A woman is blamed for not leaving and it feels like her partner isn’t blamed nearly as much for the harm inflicted. It’s always a woman’s responsibility to get herself out of any situation she finds herself in, but no one is concerned about who put her in that situation in the first place.
We shouldn’t blame Lily. And we shouldn’t blame Colleen Hoover for writing a novel that is based on someone’s lived experiences. Not talking about this is an avenue for the abuse to continue. There should be no stigma on being a survivor of domestic violence. All the stigma belongs with the abuser.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you or anyone you know is in need of assistance, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).